Warning armed and dangerous

On the Dubai Metro there are signs every where warning of fines if you break the rules;

Smoking – 200 Dhiram fine

Chewing gum – 200 Dhiram fine

Eating & Drinking – 200 Dhiram fine

Damaging property 10,000 Dhiram fine

But one rule they missed off is farting on the train, last week I was aboard a crowded train heading home when some dirty monkey let rip a stinker deadly sulphur fart. The foul smell of vile eggs and rotting cabbage lingered in the air for several minutes. With the passengers squeezed like sardines there was little room to escape from this most foul gas, so now I’ve decided to arm myself with a  bottle of eau de toilette and my finger will be on the trigger next time I’m on a crowded train.

Queue Busters

Today I decided to visit my cousins in Abu Dhabi as I had not seen them for a many weeks. The excitement of a trip to the neighbouring emirate and seeing “me brethren” engulfled me as I got up early to have a shower, sprayed the finest eau de toilette that I have in my collection and donned the best “Junaid Jamshed designer” shalwar kameez.  It was Friday, it was me day off, I was going to see me brethren and I wanted to look jolly dapper. I was oozing with “shtyle”, and the designer goatee was the icing on the cake.

I took a taxi to Al Ghubaiba Bus Station to catch the coach service to Abu Dhabi, after purchasing my ticket for AED 20 I was shocked to see the queue for boarding the coach.  There were around 300, yes THREE HUNDRED single men or “bachelors” as they are categorised in UAE were forming an orderly line which snaked its way through the vast open space of the bus station. There was no shelter, only the intense heat of the summer sun beaming down and cooking everyone. Within minutes of standing in this dangerous heat and high levels of humidity my bodies own internal cooling system kicked in and sweat was literally pouring to cool me down.

As I waited around 30 minutes until finally boarding the coach, I noticed that the rule in the UAE is that men queue in the sun but ladies & couples are fast-tracked straight to the coach. No waiting, no sun shine beating on your back, it’s like having a “Monopoly” pass GO card.

At that point in time, a moment of creativity hit me…..well I’d like to put it down to inspiration rather than early symptoms of heat stroke. What if I had a life size doll possibly a mannequin dressed in an abaya would this allow me to join the ladies & family queue and save myself from being roasted in the 40 plus summer heat? This would even allow me to bypass the bachelor on the beach rule, and if the mannequin could float in the sea I would no longer need a swimming aid!

Wrong colour

I accompanied a friend in Dubai to the UAE/Oman border post at Hatta on a visa run, a lot of Brits do this so that they can extend their stay by a further 30 days without the need for a visa.

When we arrived on the Omani side and entered the border post it was 11.30 in the evening and the place was empty. My friend needed to complete a form for the entry stamp but had no writing instrument, he politely asked the official behind the glass screen if he could borrow a pen. A simple request one would think, but in this part of the world nothing is simple. The reply was a stubborn “NO!” followed by some jibber jabber mutterings in Arabic.

At the same time I muttered my own jibber jabber in the form of “F**k you d***head”, but I was wise to make it inaudible as I knew what was in store for me if the official heard my colourful comments.

So there we were waiting on the Omani side with no pen but in the presence of a rude official, clearly we had no alternative but to sit down play the waiting game. Some traveller was bound to turn up with a biro, but for the next 15 minutes there was none…..No soul to rescue us.

By this time the official had a change of heart, he muttered some more jibber jabber and handed over a biro. He had proved his point whatever it was, and we managed to complete the form and return back to UAE.

When I was back in the office I asked a colleague “why are the Arabs so arrogant?”, and gave the example of the Oman border crossing. His reply was “the Arabs are not arrogant, you are the wrong colour my friend”.

Film deal?

I read the other day that a work experience girl who toiled at Sony has landed a multi-million pound film deal from Hollywood producers.

Could I be sitting on a nest egg with my blog?, Imagine Hollywood, Bollywood, Lollywood, or even Nollywood  knocking on my door asking for the exclusive rights to all my blogging tales.

Will my exposé’s on Dubai (a lot which have not yet been published) arouse the interests of literary agents? Probably not, but it would be an interesting read for sure.

 

It's raining men.....1 Indian every 3 days

Last week a desperate worker leapt to his death from the top of the worlds tallest building, he jumped after his employers refused his holiday request.

Yesterday another Indian leaps from and another tall buiding, today I read in the papers that one Indian commits suicicde every third day in Dubai, SHOCKING statistic.

Life is what you make it

"Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." ~ Mark Twain

Life is what YOU make it, YOUR attitude. YOUR actions. YOU control 99% of what happens, or doesn't happen.

Back in Dubai, time to explore dream & discover

Safe Place

Just read the online copy of my local newspaper from England and the top stories are;

   1. Second arrest over Maidenhead double shooting

   2. Man seriously assaulted by gang of teens

   3. Police close road after murder arrest

   4. Man attacked by knife-wielding gang

   5. Slough man jailed for his part in savage murder

   6. Teenagers robbed at knifepoint

The good thing about Dubai is the low crime rate, there are no shootings or stabbings unless you end up in Bur Dubai police cell or are on the Mossad hit list.....a relatively safe place.